sugehaesooyo

Kadang duduk diem bengong nangis udah jadi kebiasaan untuk ngrpukpukin diri sendiri. Banyak hal yang bikin gue lelah dan bahkan sampai sekarang butuh rasanya menjeda waktu. 

Bebannya ga bikin masalah berkurang tapi justru membuat waktu gue berkurang dan semua muaranya banyak di uang. Kadang suka mikir butuh banyak uang, gue rela melakukan banyak pekerjaan buat dapetin uang lebih. Tapi entah kenapa tubuh gue renta banget, capek dikit sakit.

Saat ini pun melihat 3 cermin dan menatap diri sendiri yang merah abis nangis tapi kerjaan masih banyak. Bikin tambah sedih. 

Kapan ya manusia stop diberi ujian? 

Dan kalimat kayak gini aja bikin gue nangis bukan karena sedih, karena ngerasa di pukpukin ketika lagi capek. Ada momen kembali marah why me ? Jadi sandwhich generation yang pengeluarannya hampir 90% buat ke rumah. Sedangkan saat ini gak ada banyak buat keluarga kecil gue. Dan buat diri gue pun. Gue ga peduli dengan branded stuff agar dipandang sama orang lain. Tapi gue pengen punya uang yang banyak jadi gue ga perlu mikir mau beli skin care harus gimana, mau beli keperluan diri harus bagaimana. Ada pikiran why my dad was gone, why I have doing this and make me sad, why everyone around me have my self to rely on but I still alone. Not only my mind feel tired but also my body. Berapa lama menahan sakit hanya karena I need money sampai akhirnya otot tangan kaki dan punggung baru merasa perih dan harus menjalani fisioterapi. 

And ya somethis I feel angry to God and ask why this happen to me? I am just tired sometimes. A long time ago, when I feel tired of this life, when I see knife, road way, train rail I always want kill my self because I always feel alone. Until I realized I have at least one reason to live, I want going to abroad and around the world, I want fangirling at Korea. And I still waiting when I time come?

Everytime I am crying, or sad or tired I always doing butterfly pose to give my self big hug and said "sugohaesooyo. You doing great job. Hei you survived ❤️"

Mood tracker

Lagi dititik yang lagi diem pun kadang tiba tiba nangis. Kayak nanya ke diri sendiri. Hey, why are you crying? Why I am so depressive again. Like wow why life is tiring me so much. But I always remember what dr jiemi said, you need relax, you need take a break and deep breath calmy. I dont know why I just want time to stop right now.

Fairytale ?

I always think about this

I just tired. My body is tired. My mind is a mess. I just really want to lay in bed and never get up. Im just so tired of life.

I need fairytale life but it such bullshit

time

Yang paling mengesalkan dalam hidup adalah waktu ga pernah baik sama lo dan akan terus jalan sebagaimana mestinya. 

Dan yang menyedihkan adalah it more easily to somebody rely on me but it so hard to me rely on to somebody. 

Lyfe begin nightmare dream

Mimpi nikah sama orang lain bukan sama suami sekarang tapi jadi mimpi sedih. Mana nikahnya sama temen yang gak deket banget. Kayak rasanta ko sedih banget kalau gajadi nikah sama suami yang sekarang. 

I mean he is not perfect so do I, but I love him I know how hard we are trying the best that we could. Itu kayaknya yang bikin sedih bukan cuma karena cinta wkwk

Bangun bangun langsung peluk suami

i hate december

Bulan desember selalu jadi bulan dimana masalah banyak banget, dibulan ini bahkan pernah menatap jalanan dengan pikiran kosong cuma agar semua berhenti berisik. Semuanya. Karena rasanya lelah banget hidup. 

Sekarang pun gitu, rasanya lelah banget ingin pergi jauh dan menghilang dari muka bumi ini. Rasanya lelah menjalani hari

my first journaling

Why this tears falling down and never stop? Why I feel so sad and lonely at the same time. I really want rely on to somebody but why at the end I always alone. Trust me, I want to run away because I hate this month, I hate this situation, I hate world. 

But I need to keep my self sane, because it always comes up and ask me to go so far away or sick or die because I am lonely. I need to make my self feel better because it always want kill my self. 

I am tired looping in this bad situation. But I cant turn back the time. I am afraid that I blame my self choosing bad decision and make me feel sad all over time. 

I mean problem always happen, but now I am tired.

December always comes with self blaming and bad thought about self harm. You did it. You can handle it. If people can make you be queen..you can do it by yourself. But there will beautiful sky after storm. You can do it. Dont hate december too much. You will okay :)

Beautiful Sentences

I found beautiful sentences that make me cry when I think bad happen always comes on december and I really anxious about what can happen. I really want skip this month because it makes me can breath easily.

" when you start you feel getting anxious. Remind yourself. Hey this is happen before. This is happen before. Tell you that this is happen before. And what happen last time? Everything was okay. Everything was okay last time so everything okay this time"

why life make me so sad

Dont expect too much to people my self

Its so sad when you do the best things but others people doing bad shit and make you sad and cry. 

Like you do, i want people being nice to me. But you didn't. So what I have supposed to do?

,,,,

I found this pic on timeline twitter and I feel it rn. How lonely I am 

¿

I dunno its my first time feel broken since my status changed. How painful words come up about caring but the other person wont admit that. I am done with that.

You know it probably can really happen. And ya finally you are here. So welcome, my self 

orang lain gak sepeduli itu kok

Gue itu orangnya dulu mikirin pendapat orang lain. Pikiran orang lain = gue. Ada momen dimana gue mempertanyakan diri gue ketika ada orang yang komentar buruk, bahkan sampai gue berpikir pendapat orang lain sama kayak gue. Mindset ini membuat penilaian terhadap diri sendiri buruk dan gak pernah puas. Alhasil gue terus berkegiatan dan gak pernah berhenti, waktu yang harusnya produktif malah jadi waktu yang membuat gue terus sibuk gak pernah berhenti. Gue akan berhenti ketika gue sakit. Bukan cuma sakit fisik tapi secara batin gue. Rasanya ingin terus melarikan diri, rasanya ingin berhenti berjalan bahkan berdenyut. Rasanya ingin pergi ninggalin semuanya. Dan pikiran ini pernah ada beberapa tahun lalu. Lalu gue terus belajar, menyelami diri sendiri dan berhemti mikirin pendapat buruk orang tentang gue. Karena sekalipun pendapat buruk itu nyerang gue, kalau gue gak mikirin itu, maka pendapat itu bukan gue. Gue udah ditahap ini. Tapi kenapa sekeliling gue masih kayak gitu dan menekan gue dengan pikiran mereka?

Perihal pernikahan gue yang banyak diomong orang aja menekan gue. Kali ini pun gue ditekan dan membuat gue frustasi. Orang belum tentu mikirin itu kok. Kenapa harus dipusingin?

Gak bisa apa orang berhenti melakukan itu ke gue?

No one

Dont let anyone else come to your heart my self. Dont let others people be best shoulder to cry on than my spouse. Let us be good partner. Dont make me hope others man are good enough than my partner or can give the best that my partner done. 

pintu baru

Semakin hari semakin takut dengan kehidupan baru

Akankah semua baik baik aja?

Drown In Feelings

Beberapa hari ini sering banget sakit kepala yang bener2 bikin gak tahan. Rasanya bener2 mau jambak dan jedotin kepala ke tembok saking sakitnya. Tapi bagaimanapun gabisa begitu. Kalau dikelas meditasi selalu diajarin bernapas dengan sadar dan penuh kasih sayang. Bahkan gatel aja gaboleh main digaruk tapi bener2 dikasih kelembutan. Tapi kayaknya ini alert untuk lebih taking care diri sendiri. Karena sesungguhnya akhir akhir ini bawannya ingin menenggelamkan diri ke dasar lautan.

Life why you bring me to this feelings again? And yo it happen on the end of the year. My stamina is drop down, gerd and headache hit me everyday, anxiety make me push away people around me. Crying every night and feels afraid. What I am looking for?

I just want time to stop, Can I?