why

Actually i want ask to him "why you do that, meanwhile I always waiting you from few month ago"

But i still quite. There's no words from my mouth. 

Just wondering with drown into my mind

Since You Were Born #43

Lagi menikmati mode dicuekin bayi karena lagi bete. Ada aja kelakuan dedek. Ya malingin mukalaah ketika ga liat bunda berjam jam. Ya kadang jadi super clingy. Bahkan lagi nen gue pegang hp sekedar bales chat aja dia jadi mainjn nen dan gamau nen sampe gue lepasin hp.

Makin hari makin seneng ditatap sama dia penuh cinta, ngalahin tatapan bapaknya wkwk

Kata ayahnya malah dedek lebih deket ke gue, ga kayaj kakanya dulu sampe nangis2 karena anak pertamanya lebih deket ke nenek. 

Kalau ada 2 orang ayah dan bunda, tatapan dedek memang ke gue dan bikin gue sering salfok untuk ninggalin semua kegiatan. Meluangkan waktu sama dia terasa menyenangkan walau melelahkan. Tapi jadi 24 fully mom alias IRT ku rasa tak sanggup. 

Di 4 bulan ini dia udh bisa mengambil barang2 yang dikasih di depannya walau ga semua barang. Udah bisa teriak tamda kesel tanda protes. Udah bisa menolak kalau gamau digendong. Dan tentu ketawa renyahnya bikin candu.

Sempet ada obrolan sama paksu dan dia bilang kalau dedek ini memang anak baik, dan rasanya ga adil kalau paksu as ayah kalau ga berusaha lebih buat dedek. Bahkan dulu kalau compare sama keponakannya, dedek itu kalau nangis ya sewajarnya nangis dan ga pernah aneh2. Kalau kata kaka ipar gue sih, emosionalnya tertata dan stabil. Karena ga stabilnya udah dimakan ibunya semua pas hamil wkwk

Tiap kali menatap wajah dia, gue selalu ingin punya uang lebih banyak, gue ingin ngajak dedek jalan2, bahkan gue ingin ngajak dedek ga cuma ke luar kota tapi keluar negeri. Bareng paksu tentunya. Gue ingin push limit gue buat terus cari uang. Gue ingin terus push diri gue untuk terus berusaha mencari peluang biar pintu2 rejeki terus terbuka dan dedek ga merasakan kekurangan uang. Ingin membuat dia bahagia, merasakan makan enak, jalan jalan nyaman pake mobil, membelikan apapun buat dia, bisa ke kidzone, dan semoga doa gue ini terkabul, gue ingin jalan2 ke luar negeri bareng keluarga kecil gue. Kayak ambitious yaa. Tapi gue berharap memang bisa suatu hari nanti.

Goresan Mother's Journal #17

 setelah menghabiskan waktu diluar seharian kemarin, makan di mall dan juga anter kucing berobat. untuk pertama kalinya dalam hidup gue untuk satu mobil bareng kucing, dan sialnya itu kitten pake pup dan bikin gue mabok dimobil, sambil mual2 gue bilang gamau tau itu mobil kudu dicuci. jangankan ke kitten, ke ochi aja klo adek minta ochi naik mobil dianter ke petshop, gue udh ngomel2 harus bgt pokoknya itu mobil di cuci. gue nganter ke dokter hewan sambil speechless sendiri "why iam here" dan dokter hewannya itu temen sekelas chairmate pula dan dia tau banget betapa gue ga suka binatang dan kaget ketika paksu piara kucing. gue rasa Allah lagi menguji tingkat stres gue ga cuma dihantem dari satu dua pintu deh, ini ada tambahan stres karena kucing.

lalu pergi ke mall dan makan kimukatsu, kenyang banget dan dedek teriak2 yang gue kira dia mau mimi, eh taunya pup brutal sampe ke punggung, mana kena tangan gue dulu. dikasih tatapan gemes dari dedek yang bikin pengen cium brutal. sepulang dari mall, kaki tangan rasanya lelah banget. alhamdulillahnya masih ada enin dan enin mau mandiin dedek, jadi gue punya waktu buat mandi dulu sebelum akhirnya ke dedek lagi.

aniwei waktu berlalu begitu cepat sampe gue kelelahan sendiri, ketika weekday tau2 udah sore aja dan kerjaan belum kelar tapi tante yg ngasuh dedek udah waktunya pulang, atau ketika dedek udah bobo dan mamah kembali ke kamar buat tiktokan. gak sekali dua kali gue pegang laptop disamping dedek, CTS gue kambuh? apa itu CTS, bablas terabas coy. makanya gue suka sedih aja ketika paksu sekarang ga banyak gantian pegang dedek, soalnya tulang2 gue aja keropos sampe bangun dari duduk atau tiduran tuh susah banget, hari hari gue aja buru2 dan WFO itu kayak bentuk refreshing gue melepaskan diri dari rutinitas seorang ibu buat fully mengisi diri gue. tapi gue di tahap lelah kalau harus kasih tau paksu apa yang gue rasain, apa yang bikin gue capek, apa yang gue inginkan dari dia. 

disaat pagi2 mata masih sepet karena masih ngantuk, dedek bangun karena ganti pampers dan minta mimi. rasanya pengen tidur lagi tapi ga sempet. lalu karena gue masih punya ayam, gue ingin masak soto ayam lumayan daripada beli makan keluar. dan soto juga paksu kan suka jadi bukan masakan yang cuma dimakan gue sesuai kalimat protes paksu yang bilang "menu masakannya mah yg kamu makan doang, bukan yg aku suka". kadang suka bingung, dia tuh tau ga sih banyak yg dipikirin, kalau masak double dan ga dimakan kan rugi juga buang2 uang doang. dan spend buat masak juga ga sedikit, 1 juta gakan cukup sebenernya, tapi gue bilang iya iya aja karena gamau ribet menjelaskan yang mana cowo gatau soal dapur.

disaat mau masak, salam sereh dan kara belum gue beli alhasil nitip ke mamah. tapi ketika barang2 lengkap, dedek minta nen dan bikin gue sempet ketiduran sebentar. dan ternyata mamah yang akhirnya masak. disaat gue gaenak sama mamah mau coba bantuin masak, mamah bilang gapapa biar mamah aja, karena mamah tau kalau si dedek butuh gue ibunya. lalu paksu ke dapur dan protes "loh kok jadi mamah yang masak?". mamah ngejawab "gaapap itu kan si dedek nangis pengen sama ibunya". trus gue kesel dengan kalimat dia entah kenapa gue bener2 kesel gue bilang "ya kan si dedek nangis dan gada yg jagain jadinya mamah yg masak" dalem ati gue "karena si mamah kasian liat gue, anak nangis bapaknya sibuk sama kucing dan main hp, tapi masih gue yang mandiin, ganti pampers, bikin susu, nenin dia, gendong dia. jadi mamah ambil alih dapur buat masak soto". trus dia ngejawab aja lagi dia bilang "ya kalau aku punya nenen juga aku yg nenenin". disitu langsung deg pengen nangis rasanya sakit hati, cowo yang mengklaim dirinya orang yang paling PEKA ga liat apa kalau daritadi juga gue banyak kasih sufor, gue bikin sufor, dia bilang botol abis alias pada kotor gue cuci gue steril. trus hanya karena mamah ambil alih dapur dan gue gajadi bikin soto karena ngurusin anak kita, dia membalas kalimat gue dengan kalimat tidak empati. gue langsung diem tapi hati gue dongkol, sedih, marah kecewa jadi satu. 

disaat gue selalu mikirin dia, bahkan soal ide bikin soto tapi kondisinya ga terlaksana, dia ngomong ga disortir ga mikirin perasaan orang lain. sampe mamah bilang ke gue "garem itu ga pernah larut ke atas pasti ke bawah" yang maksudnya itu peribahasa kalau buah ga jatuh jauh dari pohonnnya, ya paksu ga jauh2 dari bapaknya gitu maksud mamah. makanya kenapa mamah bantuin bikin soto karena mamah ngerti capeknya gue. 

Karena hal tadi bikin gue bener-bener ditahap ketawa sendiri karena paksu waktu liat status kakanya yang bilang kalau istri pengen ada inisiatif bantuin ngurus anak karena jadi stres. lalu paksu narsis bilang untung dia ikut andil ngurusin dedek bukan yg angkat tangan bodo amat. oke dia memang masih ikut andil, tapi ga bisa dipungkiri, dia juga sering angkat tangan, mengatasnamakan "kayaknya dedek mau nen". tanpa liat gue capek, gue sibuk, gue kurang me time, asi gue lagi seret, bahkan tanpa menyadari gue jadi lebih sering murung, nangis sendirian dan kesepian. 

Paksu ngerasa dedek jadi lebih rely on ke gue, jelas karena gue lebih banyak menghabiskan waktu dengan dia. bahkan disaat banyak kerjaan pun gue tetep menahan diri kewarasan gue buat tetep sama dedek. paksu ngerasa tatapan dedek selalu ke gue even lagi digendong dia, karena gue bisa menyingkirkan banyak hal termasuk hp saat sama dedek. dedek selalu no 1 bahkan untuk gue yang selfish dan mengutamakan diri gue dulu dibanding orang lain, ketika dedek lahir, dedek bahkan no 1 dibanding diri gue. so ya makanya gue makan cepet, mandi cepet, kerja cepet, jalan cepet. semuanyaa cepet. sekarang ketika punya kitten, tentu fokus paksu kebagi, dan itu ga cuma gue rasakan, mamah pun merasakan itu dan sayangnya ga dia rasakan. lalu apakah gue harus komplain depan muka dia? gue ditahap capek. coba kapan terakhir kali dia mandiin dedek di weekend. bahkan sebelum operasi aja yang dia sakit bokong, dia masih mau mandiiin dedek. ketika dulu kita merasa mandiin dedek itu kayak me time kita sama dedek.

Goresan Mother's Journal #16

 beberapa hari ini dengan kerjaan yang full, capek fisik tubuh renda, fisioterapi belum mulai2 lagi tapi terus maksa tangan takketikketik, pumping ASI jadi sedikit dan dedek yang suka nempel mulu dan dikit-dikit digendong tuh bikin gue entah kenapa jadi rese, jadi kesel mulu sama paksu, jadi butuh affirmasi, butuh istirahat. ASI jadi lebih seret dan kemarin gue coba buat pijat laktasi, gue tanya ke temen2 kenapa kok gue kerja ASI gue seret. dan temen gue pun sama. gue makin kepikiran makin sedih makin bikin produksi ASI turun. dan pilihan yg tepat buat pijat laktasi untuk ibu baru kayak gue karena, bukan soal bikin ASI melimpahnya tapi bikin guenya kayak dikasih suport. bu bidannya bilang "ga perlu dipikirin teh ASI jadi turun, toh anaknya juga gendut dan naiknya jg tercapai kan berarti ASInya ada dan sesuai kebutuhan si anak. bahkan didukung sufor berarti ada rejekinya. bersyukur aja teh. gausah mikirin aneh2, insya allah ASInya banyak lagi. ini karena teteh stress dan kecapean aja"

Dan memang iya sih akhir akhir ini bner2 kecapean dan pikiran tuh kayak saling niban. bahkan dalam seminggu udh 2x gue dehidrasi. pertamapas malem ada paksu dan yang kedua tadi siang. lagi makan tiba2 mual mau muntah, ulu hati sakit, pusing kleyengan kepala sakit, badan gaenak. dan gue rasa emang kelelahan + dehidrasi. 

tadi malem aja baru tutup laptop jam set 12an sampe ngantuk2 dan paksu nemenin sambil nonton. dalem hati tuh sedih aja rasanya karena gue merasakan yang erin rasakan, yang zia rasakan. frustasi terhadap kerjaan dan kehidupan plus badan ringsek. dan pantesan itu yang membuat ASI gue seret. kecapean sama status yang gue hadapi saat ini, momworking. ketika ASI seret, saat itu juga gue merasa gagal jadi ibu yang niatnya mau kasih ASI eksklusif dan gue takut malah ketika ASI seret, dedek jadi ga achieve BB bulannanya. pokoknya isi kepala tuh banyak bgt yg dipikirin. 

Motherhood

I found this true line

"Motherhood. Is a lonely path. You fight silent battles on your own & you do feel like you are intruding on your friends and loves one"

Yeah no one talks about how lonely it is being new mom. Sometimes it feels like youre the only one going through what youre going through. Like nobody else understand or feel the way you do. I feel so incredibly lonely. I dont want talk to someone or smiling or being nice to other people.

And you know what the worst part? The worst part is when you try communicate and express how you feel, then it's us making them out to be "bad dad" and of course he dont want that titles right? And all the time I feel mad toward him. Just seeing him with phone that he said he never doing that hours. I hope he can realized what he have done. 

Like I am mad when see kiss bye when your baby still wake up beside your wife working. I know now that your not really for second child or you just make me mad all the time and being crazy women. I know he tires, but I am tired to not only as fulltime mother but also employee. 

It feels dissapointed, I really miss my own time..my own life. I think I need psychoterapist before I feeling mad to my baby because I feel angry too much.

Goresan Mother's Journal #15

I was very tired, my mind, my body, my legs all felt very sore. and what hurts more is when there is already a conversation with my spouse but he comeback remains focused on his world. I mean, does he know that his wife is really tired?

Even yesterday, because I knew he had been working overtime at the office, I tried to cook at home. What for? to make him healthy again at the end of the year like he was said "siksa neraca". even though we had plans to go to the hospital for a vaccine, to consult about him then go to the university . I'm even racing against time. like joining a master chef. He easily asked what time us wanted to leave. when my brain is full of schedules and even BPJS registration so it doesn't go to waste yesterday registering him.

I shower in a hurry, I eat in a hurry. my life is uncomfortable. My stomach hurts because I keep chasing time. I even dried my hair while holding the baby. imagine how tiring that would be? My leg hurts, did he notice? when he always confidently claims that he is the most sensitive man in the world to know about me? huh? really???

After cooking, I even still prepare everything the baby needs in the bag. starting from hot water, milk, clothes, diapers and so on.

Even when I went to the hospital, I was still holding my cellphone to check whether the hospital had a doctor for baby vaccines and it didn't feel like a waste of time to drop us off at that hospital. does he realize how full my thoughts are? my brain?

Every day even my head hurts. Every time my legs hurt and even tremors return. does he even realize that this week I didn't have physiotherapy?

Even in hospitals, BPJS registration is almost closing. I tried to take a queue number so it wouldn't be in vain. I thought about him again. holding the baby. Even when I was in the breastfeeding room, I followed him carrying the bag and carrying the baby on the way from the breastfeeding room to the doctor's waiting room, which he thought was far away. I walked to see him, still thinking about waiting for the doctor with him. HIM again??? that he know that?

after going to the doctor's office, and he went in alone. then I asked how the progress was. he explained everything and raised his voice when I was worried about him. when I held his hand because I was sad, why did he experience a condition like this? his response was very cold. I know he is confused about all the costs, with everything he has to face, with the fact that he has to be hospitalized and it is far away in Jakarta. but why did he respond like that when I was worried about him and cared about him?

That night he even looked at me and asked if I was sleepy, I answered my head hurt. he only responded asking me to take headache medicine. wow makes me speechless.

I supported him in running his business, prayed for him even though I didn't like him. He didn't even carry out any of my requests, with him claiming to be the most caring and sensitive human being.

even today he spends a lot of time with kittens and I try to understand him. while hoping he realizes how exhausted I am. Should I be hospitalized because I'm seriously ill before he realizes that his wife is tired?

I even cook while thinking about him, whether I eat it or not, it's cooking. If it were him, he would say that it was a form of disrespect for him. really? fak

When I was doing work and opening the laptop, I wanted to ask for the initiative to hold the baby. but in the end the baby was held by mama when mama was sick without a mask. I even had to chat with him asking his mother to wear a mask. Should I be all that sensitive to the health, well-being of the baby? while he focused on his world again. even when his little brother was carrying the baby, he was holding the cellphone with the sound on full blast when the baby was asleep. so I, who was working, had to take the baby to put it in the room.

Are you carrying my child just to fulfill your ego needs, the desire to hold a cute baby? without fulfilling the comfort, safety and even the baby's health?

It's like 24 hours a day isn't enough, my mind is full of everything and it makes me even tired to get through the day.

Now I'm tired of being his wife. I'm even sick of going through the day. I am tired of marriage life. I was filled with anger. should I think less about him? It more than lonely day.

not only my feet, even my hands hurt, my head hurts. I think I should stop expecting anything from him, will over time my feelings change towards him?

Since You Were Born #42

Kalau lagi buka gallery dan hapusin foto selain foto dedek. Dalem hati tuh suka sekelebat pengen banget ganti hp yang lebih bagus bukan buat diri sendiri. Tp buat abadikan momen bareng dedek.

Tapi suka merenung deh, dulu ganti hp ini karena ingin bisa foto/video kalau concert kpop sekarang haluanku sudah berubah. Nonton concert menyenangkan, capture diri sendiri pun hepi tapi ternyata gada yg bisa menggantikan kebahagiaan setelah liat foto dedek yang gue capture sendiri, atau buka aplikasi capcut lalu edit2 video saat malem pas dedej tidur.

Dan yaa aku menikmati segala hal menjadi ibu. Walau rasanya badan encok wkwk

Cuma lagi mikir mau kapan ya ngajak dedek sleep training biar ga terlalu PR banget karena terlalu rely on kita as parent. Dan biar ga apa2 pengennya digendong mulu.

Since You Were Born #41

Sesuai dengan bb dedek untuk usia dia yang 3 bulan 18 hari. Dedek sekarang suka menenangkan diri saat menyusui dengan cara narik baju gue dan nen satu lagi yg bikin gue geli dan ketawa sendirian. Jangan sampe dia mentil, makanya kalau dia lagi nen tangan dia selalu gue genggam biar ga kemana2.

Lucunya karena udah tau bundanya yg mana, dia bisa gamau digendong siapapun ketika nangis kalau dia maunha digendong gue. Alhasil guenya yg encok. Kayak kemarin digendong mamah nangis terus dan pas gue gendong langsung diem..ketika gue minta mamah buat buka tangan mamah kayak mau gendong dedek, dedek langsung ngadep gue dan meluk sampe bikin kita berdua ketawa. Bahagia banget being needed sebagai ibu walau rasanya lelah. Kayaknya gue makan sekarang ga dinikmati deh.

Dia udah tau dia maunya apa. Ketika mau nen pun dia akan balikin badsn ke posisi mau nen bahkan bisa bikin dia tengkurep. 

Aniwei so happy dedek makin pinter makin bertumbuh berkembang baik.

tumbang

Beberapa hari ini ngerasa badan lebih gampang capek dan tangan sering sakit. Gue sampe mikir apakah ga ngaruh fisioterapi. Setelah menyusui juga sering tiba tiba muter isi kepala kayak vertigo. Pertanda dehidrasi dan kelelahan. Tp walau dedek sekarang tidur malamnya lebih lama tapi ternyata memang menjalani rutinitasnya ini sungguh melelahkan. 

Minggu lalu pun ada momen abis pergi jemput kitten dan pulang pulang langsung buka laptop. Kayak ga dikasih jeda. Mana perjalanan jauh gendong dedek pula panas panasan.

Tapi setelah jadi ibu gue ternyata jadi quote n quote menyepelekan tubuh. Sinyalnya udah lama. Kalau gue kurang zat besi, sering mual dan pusing kleyengan. Tapi bablas terabas aja terus. Kaki sering tremor juga lutut jg sakit sampe terapis fisioterapi bilang jangan banyak jalan dan naik turun tangga. Tapi gendong anak ga sambil jalan kek ga mungkin.

Alhasil hari ini secara tiba2 mual pas banget abis nyusuin dede sebelumnya badan greges dan pusing kleyengan kayak darah rendah. Gue rasa memang drhidrasi karena tenggorokan cepet kering dan bawaannya pengen minum. 

Kalau kata ibu sih, seorang ibu suka kalau sakit ga dirasa. Dan gue pun begitu sekarang...

Kalau ditanya apa yang dirasa? Semuaa 

Fisik, pikiran dan hati semuaa mua mua. Ingin rasanya meliburkan diri. Ingin rasanya dipijit tanpa diminta, diperhatiin. Tapi cuma bisa membisu bukan berarti paksu gakan ngelakuin itukalau gue mihta di beberapa part ada hal yang bikin gue males untuk meminta, kayak pijatan oksitosin salah satunya. Jadi gue cuma bisa meremin mata dan berharap jangan sakit. Dan berharap dedek mau dipegang orang lain dulu selain gue.

Tapi setelah searching gejala gue ini mengarah ke dehidrasi untuk busui. Sedihnya, ternyata ga cuma drama hamil dan melahirkan yang gue rasakan. Drama menyusui pun ada. Walau bukan bikin gue masuk rs karna mastitis atau pembengkakan kelenjar susu. Tapi dehidrasi parah. Kalau lagi kayak gini emang pengennya dimanja, cuddling dipukpukin dikasih kata semangat dan diapresiasi karena udah bertahan, belajar dan terus berusaha kasih yang terbaik buat anak terutama lewat ASI. 

Goresan Mother's Journal #14

Lagi di momen badan sakit dan kayak mau sakit karena grengges badan, kaki terus terusan tremor. Gerak kanan kiri berat banget. Disatu sisi isi pikirqn banyak banget so jadi bikin sensitif banget jadi pengen punya satu hari break dsri rutinitas. 

Its not mean i am not like to be mother. I feel grateful truly. But at other side feel lonely sad 

Goresan Mother's Journal #13

I think i miss my self, my time, my own time my own activities not as wife or mother, just me and my self.

Why I miss my self? Because I think I was rely on to my husband. I dont fill my cup first but always fill others cup bwfore me. So it make me feel lonely. Loneliness haunts me. 

What's trigger me?

My husband already have 2 kittens, yup he bought kitten about 3 days ago. Actually i dont like any animals at home. Its like we need addition homework. Both of us employee and so busy working at office, even though I can doing WFH, early month is busy time and I dont want to have any homework. Being employee, wife and mother make me drained my energy, so if I have any homework like pet at home, it can make me stress. Cat lovers said it can provide positive energy in the house but not fit in with me. And I dont even like pet or cat or any animals, yes Living for years with cats before getting married doesn't make me a cat lover. So when my husband want have kitten at home actually i said no because I wont have any homework or they disturb me when Iam working at home. It can make me stress u know. But he always begging and he said his plan not for his euphoria to adopt cat but to make money. 

In all the years I've known him, he has a lack of consistency. not only as a lover but also personally when he has desires, dreams and preferences. when he wants something he will be obsessed like a child who has a new toy, then gets bored and abandons it for a long time and voila he will look for other pleasures to fill himself. and 3 days ago I accompanied him to adopt a cat and let him buy all the things for cats. 

even though my heart is heavy to accept it. I let him be responsible for what he does of his choice. I mean in the limited time he has, in the morning he rushes to work and comes home at night and then goes home to play with baby. will he have time to take care of the cat? I dont think so. He said he can ask his mother to give food to his cats, i said that his mother busy with tiktok and i dont want to give my time to his cats.

and it's only been 3 days since the cat has been with us and yes, I feel his attention has decreased. Not for his cats but for us, for me especially. in the morning he will be busy getting up and going with the cat. I let it sit, while seeing how long the consistency will last. 

Just last Tuesday he went back to the doctor, because he was sick again after surgery. As if he didn't think about it, he wasted his time. but for some reason last night and today I was very sensitive, because I also wanted to have me time like him. watching Korean dramas alone, not while breastfeeding, eating calmly, not rushing, going out to play and hanging out with friends.

but my whole body hurts. I even asked sweetly about an oxytocin massage but he said I already had a lot of breast milk. My heart broken and felt sad, he didn't know what it was, not about the lack of breast milk, but he didn't know what his wife needed. It's not about breasts being milked like cows, but more about the happiness of producing hormones that are triggered by a husband's affectionate massage for his wife and so on. He doesnt know because he dont know about consistency. 

As he said, don't have hopes and expectations as a couple because the conditions are different. Now I know Billie's feelings in Netflix's sex/life series, As Wife and As Mother until she looks for someone else who can fill her, which is her ex. This doesn't mean I want a man to fill me, it just feels empty. 

Sometimes wives also want to get attention not only when being chased before marriage, also want to cuddle and be needed, to be appreciated after a long routine and a quite tiring new role as a mother. even physiotherapy because my body feels really old, just to lift my body to stand up from a sitting position feels like it's all over my body and my knee is actually injured. According to scientific articles, breastfeeding mothers do experience body ache because it supports the baby's growth and requires calcium, so it will take calcium from the mother and make her even older. sad right? It's no wonder that to love mothet 3 times before father because it's really hard to be a mother.

I don't want to kill his happiness actually. so that's what makes me sad. I don't want to talk about what I want, because it feels heavy on my heart. So it's so hard because he's constantly focused on his cellphone taking care of his cat which doesn't stop. I asked him to look after our baby and I took a shower, but in the bathroom I cried. it just feels sad.

I even had to ask him to massage my right hand and shoulder because it really hurt last night, I sometimes wonder, does he know I often have difficulty getting up from sitting? not because my weight went up but my whole body hurts. 

he often complains that he wants to play with our baby, but when our baby wakes up he is busy with his cellphone. So as a wife what can I expect to fill me?

so I cried because I missed the moments before marriage, I had dancing activities in my room while watching YouTube. I'm at the office doing yoga coming home at night...now it's hard to rush home to meet the baby. and yes, I also miss not having to hope for him, to be picked up and picked up, to be flattered, to be approached when I'm in a cafe alone, there is someone else who does that for me. but now it's difficult. Now iam doing meal prep list not for me but for us for his meal, calculated to making food. 

Sometimes wives don't want luxury cars, big houses and expensive things to buy. but it needs to be appreciated, being a new mother really drains energy and time, even physically. praised because we as wives after giving birth feel insecure about our own bodies, the changes are so drastic that we feel that they are not beautiful enough for our husbands to touch, sometimes we need to give an oxytocin massage as a thank you for giving breast milk to the baby, not just for abundant breast milk production.

Deep inside I cried and often saw the chats between the two of us when we were dating, when we were separated and decided to get married, I often opened the gallery after marriage and during my honeymoon. i miss that moment as a couple. also i miss my moment as my self. Even i miss our moment when prayer together when I am pregnant.

When I'm sad like this I want to be alone in a bookstore or library