Why I miss my self? Because I think I was rely on to my husband. I dont fill my cup first but always fill others cup bwfore me. So it make me feel lonely. Loneliness haunts me.
What's trigger me?
My husband already have 2 kittens, yup he bought kitten about 3 days ago. Actually i dont like any animals at home. Its like we need addition homework. Both of us employee and so busy working at office, even though I can doing WFH, early month is busy time and I dont want to have any homework. Being employee, wife and mother make me drained my energy, so if I have any homework like pet at home, it can make me stress. Cat lovers said it can provide positive energy in the house but not fit in with me. And I dont even like pet or cat or any animals, yes Living for years with cats before getting married doesn't make me a cat lover. So when my husband want have kitten at home actually i said no because I wont have any homework or they disturb me when Iam working at home. It can make me stress u know. But he always begging and he said his plan not for his euphoria to adopt cat but to make money.
In all the years I've known him, he has a lack of consistency. not only as a lover but also personally when he has desires, dreams and preferences. when he wants something he will be obsessed like a child who has a new toy, then gets bored and abandons it for a long time and voila he will look for other pleasures to fill himself. and 3 days ago I accompanied him to adopt a cat and let him buy all the things for cats.
even though my heart is heavy to accept it. I let him be responsible for what he does of his choice. I mean in the limited time he has, in the morning he rushes to work and comes home at night and then goes home to play with baby. will he have time to take care of the cat? I dont think so. He said he can ask his mother to give food to his cats, i said that his mother busy with tiktok and i dont want to give my time to his cats.
and it's only been 3 days since the cat has been with us and yes, I feel his attention has decreased. Not for his cats but for us, for me especially. in the morning he will be busy getting up and going with the cat. I let it sit, while seeing how long the consistency will last.
Just last Tuesday he went back to the doctor, because he was sick again after surgery. As if he didn't think about it, he wasted his time. but for some reason last night and today I was very sensitive, because I also wanted to have me time like him. watching Korean dramas alone, not while breastfeeding, eating calmly, not rushing, going out to play and hanging out with friends.
but my whole body hurts. I even asked sweetly about an oxytocin massage but he said I already had a lot of breast milk. My heart broken and felt sad, he didn't know what it was, not about the lack of breast milk, but he didn't know what his wife needed. It's not about breasts being milked like cows, but more about the happiness of producing hormones that are triggered by a husband's affectionate massage for his wife and so on. He doesnt know because he dont know about consistency.
As he said, don't have hopes and expectations as a couple because the conditions are different. Now I know Billie's feelings in Netflix's sex/life series, As Wife and As Mother until she looks for someone else who can fill her, which is her ex. This doesn't mean I want a man to fill me, it just feels empty.
Sometimes wives also want to get attention not only when being chased before marriage, also want to cuddle and be needed, to be appreciated after a long routine and a quite tiring new role as a mother. even physiotherapy because my body feels really old, just to lift my body to stand up from a sitting position feels like it's all over my body and my knee is actually injured. According to scientific articles, breastfeeding mothers do experience body ache because it supports the baby's growth and requires calcium, so it will take calcium from the mother and make her even older. sad right? It's no wonder that to love mothet 3 times before father because it's really hard to be a mother.
I don't want to kill his happiness actually. so that's what makes me sad. I don't want to talk about what I want, because it feels heavy on my heart. So it's so hard because he's constantly focused on his cellphone taking care of his cat which doesn't stop. I asked him to look after our baby and I took a shower, but in the bathroom I cried. it just feels sad.
I even had to ask him to massage my right hand and shoulder because it really hurt last night, I sometimes wonder, does he know I often have difficulty getting up from sitting? not because my weight went up but my whole body hurts.
he often complains that he wants to play with our baby, but when our baby wakes up he is busy with his cellphone. So as a wife what can I expect to fill me?
so I cried because I missed the moments before marriage, I had dancing activities in my room while watching YouTube. I'm at the office doing yoga coming home at night...now it's hard to rush home to meet the baby. and yes, I also miss not having to hope for him, to be picked up and picked up, to be flattered, to be approached when I'm in a cafe alone, there is someone else who does that for me. but now it's difficult. Now iam doing meal prep list not for me but for us for his meal, calculated to making food.
Sometimes wives don't want luxury cars, big houses and expensive things to buy. but it needs to be appreciated, being a new mother really drains energy and time, even physically. praised because we as wives after giving birth feel insecure about our own bodies, the changes are so drastic that we feel that they are not beautiful enough for our husbands to touch, sometimes we need to give an oxytocin massage as a thank you for giving breast milk to the baby, not just for abundant breast milk production.
Deep inside I cried and often saw the chats between the two of us when we were dating, when we were separated and decided to get married, I often opened the gallery after marriage and during my honeymoon. i miss that moment as a couple. also i miss my moment as my self. Even i miss our moment when prayer together when I am pregnant.
When I'm sad like this I want to be alone in a bookstore or library
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