Broken word Broken heart

I am doing something wrong, I make people crying not just me. I hurt people. That's true what people said "hurt people will hurt people". But its not just my mind but my feeling and my trauma. My trauma shaking inside of me every night even day when I am doing WFH. I always questioning my self "why this happen to me? I am afraid. I dont know where the place that I feel loved and secure. Even in his warm hug, I really hate it when I know he hug someone else"

I always questioning my self, did I not worthy? Did I am so easily to forgive then he can always lying to me? Did his mistress better than me so he choose to protect them? Or maybe he dont love me, meanwhile I want to be loved and secured of this relationship. There was no safe place even in his arm. But his eyes always make me want to run hug him so tight. My decision have been hurt him but also hurt me. I really want have best life without any of girls on our garden especially our room. I hate of the truth that many girls had time to take over his attention to forget me even ignored me. But I love him deeply. I want see him have best place with me inside. I want his gaze to only be fixed on me, even though there are many of girls who are better of me, crazy beautiful, or smartest, or flirting him so damn crazy. But I want he just like me, any of man offers wealth, time, attention, jokes, even comfortable things none of them which I let in, because I want a man that stay in my house is him.

Can he make me the only one?