Patahan 31

The one and only that make me always run away is always him. His words always give wound deepest my heart. Full of judgement, cruel word, his threat. 

I mean how dare he said want slap me while I always grateful to choose him because he was never violent to hit or play physically. But he said he want do that. it made me build my self-defence so that I don't want to depend on him anymore. my mind even invites me to stop and even stop hoping for the future.

he said I am arrogant, while his sentence forced me to accept all conditions gracefully and in the end he let me go. so I think I'm not a priority even about feelings. deepest of my self, I even thought that my departure would not have any impact on him, and that made me want to leave, including from this world. oh shit. I returned to this thought again, to the point of having to watch me sick or die from the pressure even him exerted.

when I tried relying on, including from an emotional standpoint, it made me even build a solid wall again to stop relying on because of the bitter sentences he always gave. not even a year is it? but it feels like I even hate the time.

what I see is that his pov is to make his younger sibling feel less burdened by apologizing, if I had asked humbly I wouldn't have thought like this. I'm not going to think again want to leave everything. His sentences were full of threats then playing safe and putting me in the wrong place. always with the phrase "remember, all your decisions. don't blame me"

If he knew, even at my lowest point I always hoped to be a priority by imagining whether I had to get hurt, get sick or die so he could wake up. for him this is just my pride that does not want to accept an apology. let alone other people's apologies, he who hurt me so badly I just forgive him, lost time, lost my mind, lost money because being in a relationship with him made me go to a psychologist & psychiatrist, that's just how much stress I was facing him. but the way he gives is always rough and full of threats.

when the darkest mind thinks strange thoughts so he knows he's wrong by seeing me hurt physically lying in the hospital or even death. I consciously put that aside, because I have this little angel who is always there for me. I can't get sick if he even depends on me. 

right now even I want to get this peace of mind to be sane because I'm tired of being with him